As the holidays approach we start to think more and more about our families. Many are sad that they don’t have families to go home to and others are anticipating that they either HAVE to or GET to spend time with the family. Most of us are painfully aware that our families don’t quite measure up to the beautifully decorated homes, the cooking and baking, the town square Christmas lighting of the Christmas tree and the wonderful joyous reunions we see in the Christmas Hallmark movies. And many of us long for the ideal holiday gathering. But the truth is that most families have #dysfunction and# hidden issues despite how well they may present.
Years ago my daughter gave my husband and me a personalized doormat that said “Welcome to the Dodge Family where we put the #Fun into Dysfunctional.” Feeling a bit taken aback, I said “do you think our family is dysfunctional?” To which my daughter (not one to not mince words) said “duh” translated “yes!”. And that is when I began to come to terms that we have #dysfunction in our family. Whether we like it or not every family has some dysfunction . However, just because we are dysfunctional doesn’t mean we can’t have fun or love each other!
Often we spend so much time trying to create the ideal (our version) of our family that we inadvertently put stress and pressure on our family to fit our ideal. We get annoyed that they aren’t more like we wish they were. Mom stresses as she attempts to decorate the house just and tries to homecook every part of the meal. Or dad wants you to untangling the lights or grouses about having to clean off the patio. That part is annoying but not yet personal until the “innocent comments” start
For e.g. “ You will do something with your hair, won’t you!?” or comments at the dinner table such as, “I was hoping this year we would have grandchildren ” or “You still didn’t get promoted?!”
Of course, there are varying levels of #dysfunctional families. Some are so fractured and toxic that it is unhealthy to gather together. Then there are those who have been# “cut off” from their families because of lifestyle choices or unresolved family feuds and aren’t even invited to the family table. There are certain characters that come to mind when we think of dysfunctional families: the boozer, the critical parent, the conversation hogger, the know it all, the guilt dispenser or the moody, unpredictable one. Each person has to decide if they can tolerate or navigate the family gathering. But for those who choose to celebrate the holidays with their family I offer the following# survival strategies for navigating the holidays with our families:
- REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE GATHERING TOGETHER. To celebrate a holiday with your family. And to honor the meaning behind the holiday. For e.g. Thanksgiving to “give thanks for all that you have” and yes that includes your family, warts and all.
- It helps to# LIMIT EXPOSURE which means to stay only as long as you can reasonably stay without feeling like you are going to Lose it or have to drink your way though. Note: Drinking “to get through” will lesson your ability to apply any of these suggestions.
- DON’T ENGAGE or try to defend yourself when the “know it all” or the #“ guilt dispenser” begins to start. Give short answers and try to change the subject. If that doesn’t work, excuse yourself and go into another room.
- It also helps to TAKE SHORT BREAKS. For e.g. you can offer to go to the store for ice. Or go into an unoccupied room for a few minutes. Another option would be to go and play with the children.
- DON’T GET TRIANGULATED. One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional families is to triangulate others in communication. #Triangulation is when someone wants to vent to you about an issue they are having with another person. Or they ask you to talk to another relative on their behalf.
Healthy communication occurs when party A talks directly to party B about an issue without getting party C involved. So, if this happens, you can say something like, “ I can see this is bothering you but I think it might be more productive for you to talk to party A than me”. They may come back with something like “well they won’t listen or I have tried”. You can empathize with them but still not get triangulated. It is a difficult pattern to break
6. Decide ahead of time what will be your #BOUNDARIES. E.G. We will leave if everyone gets drunk and fighting breaks out. Or,” it is not ok for my relatives to continue to put me down so I will not listen to it”. Again, if this has been a longstanding pattern it may take you awhile to break. But the next point is a helpful strategy
7. Use the# SET method, also know as the Oreo cookie. You say your truth in between two positive statements. The S stands for sympathy and the E for empathy. So it goes something like this:
“I know that you worry about me and you want the best for me but the truth is I don’t like it when you make comments about my weight.
8. ”Be STRATEGIC about where you sit. If at all possible, sit next to a person you feel safe and comfortable with
9 .BE A THERMOSTAT (set the atmosphere) vs a thermometer (reflecting the atmosphere) by being as courteous and pleasant as you can be and trying to bring laughter and fun into the room.
10. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO HAVE, rather than what you don’t. You have a place to be on the holidays with people you love and who love you ( even though they may have odd ways of showing it!)