Have you ever felt “caught in the middle”? For e.g. a friend wants to tell you something about themselves or about someone you both know but “ You aren’t supposed to tell anyone” . I refer to this type of triangulation as gossip or keeping secrets.” That of course, is not to say that to keep a secret is wrong or that all secrets are bad! In Proverbs 11:13 we read: “A talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is a faithful spirit, conceals a matter. But in Prov.26:28 the danger of gossip is referenced, “a whisperer separates the best of friends.”
Sometimes you are asked to side with one person against another. For e.g. Your friend or relative shares with you a scenario that just happened and if you don’t agree with him/her about their assessment of the story, you are deemed to be taking the other person’s side. Unfortunately feeling pressured to take sides often happens to children or friends in contentious divorces or break-ups. I refer to these as being triangulated into “unhealthy alliances”.
If you are asked to be the go-between between two individuals instead of them talking directly to each other, you could easily end up being triangulated as “the middle man/woman”.
These are very uncomfortable and insidious situations in which to find yourself! You may suddenly feel “caught in the middle” and not be sure how to respond in the moment. And sometimes you don’t even know you are caught in the middle until you are faced with having to decide how to be loyal to the others as well as yourself!
At this point, I need to clarify that this blog is specifically referring to “personal relationships” because there are many professionals whose jobs, like mine, require us to hear and keep secrets, to mediate, and advocate for others!
After spending the better part of the day trying to extricate myself from a triangle I inadvertently got myself into with two friends, I began to reflect on how it is that we get “triangulated” in the first place?
And, I came up with several reasons. Honestly, one of the most common ones stems from “just trying to help” and support our friends or relatives! We are not really thinking any further ahead than trying to be there for them in the moment and responding to their request for help.
Another less “virtuous” reason, if we are truly honest with ourselves, is that many of us are intrigued by gossip. There is something tantalizing about hearing some “juicy gossip”. The tabloids feed off this stuff. Yet, gossip has destroyed many a reputation and friendship!
I believe, however that the majority of times we get triangulated is that we haven’t established I clear boundaries ahead of time as to what or what we won’t hear, say or do when these situations arise! I had to laugh at the boundary I saw in this meme on Facebook:
You must admit that is a boundary! A more effective boundary might be “ I am uncomfortable keeping secrets, so please don’t tell me”. Or to avoid being the go-between, “ I would encourage you to go and tell so and so if you are feeling that way about what happened.”
Admittedly, there is a delicate balance between being a true friend and supporting someone as they tell you their story. In Romans 12:15, we are told to “ rejoice those who rejoice and weep with who those weep!” Listening to someone’s story is caring for the other. It doesn’t become “triangulation” until you are asked to do something with the information that makes you uncomfortable or violates your own boundaries such as being asked to “lie” for them.
You “triangulate yourself” if you take it upon yourself to share another’s personal information without. their permission Even if it is to ask others “to pray for” this situation if the person has not given you permission to share this information.
So keeping in line with the “encouraging you” theme of this blog, I would “encourage you” you as well as myself to think long and hard before we agree to “keep secrets”, listen to gossip, or become the “go-between”. And because friendship cuts both ways, we also need to be careful not to put our friends or relatives into those same uncomfortable binds!