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As the holidays approach we start to think more and more about our families.  Many are sad that they don’t have families to go home to and others are anticipating that they either HAVE to or GET to spend time with the family. Most of us are painfully aware that our families don’t quite measure up to the beautifully decorated homes, the cooking and baking, the town square Christmas lighting of the Christmas tree and the wonderful joyous reunions we see in the Christmas Hallmark movies. And many of us long for the ideal holiday gathering.  But the truth is that most families have #dysfunction and# hidden issues despite how well they may present.

Years ago my daughter gave my husband and me a personalized doormat that said “Welcome to the Dodge Family where we put the #Fun into Dysfunctional.”  Feeling a bit taken aback, I said “do you think our family is dysfunctional?” To which my daughter (not one to not mince words) said “duh”  translated “yes!”.  And that is when I began to come to terms that we have #dysfunction in our family.  Whether we like it or not every family has some dysfunction .  However, just because we are dysfunctional doesn’t mean we can’t have fun or love each other!

Often we spend so much time trying to create the ideal (our version) of our family that we inadvertently put stress and pressure on our family to fit our ideal.  We get annoyed that they aren’t more like we wish they were.  Mom stresses as she attempts to decorate the house just and tries to homecook every part of the meal. Or dad wants you to untangling the lights or grouses about having to clean off the patio.  That part is annoying but not yet personal until the “innocent comments” start

For e.g. “ You will do something with your hair, won’t you!?” or comments at the dinner table such as, “I was hoping this year we would have grandchildren ”  or “You still didn’t get promoted?!”

Of course, there are varying levels of #dysfunctional families.  Some are so fractured and toxic that it is unhealthy to gather together.  Then there are those who have been# “cut off” from their families because of lifestyle choices or unresolved family feuds and aren’t even invited to the family table. There are certain characters that come to mind when we think of dysfunctional families: the boozer, the critical parent, the conversation hogger, the know it all, the guilt dispenser or the moody, unpredictable one.  Each person has to decide if they can tolerate or navigate the family gathering. But for those who choose to celebrate the holidays with their family I offer the following# survival strategies for navigating the holidays with our families:

1. REMEMBER WHY YOU ARE GATHERING TOGETHER.  To celebrate a holiday with your family.  And to honor the meaning behind the holiday.  For e.g. Thanksgiving to “give thanks for all that you have” and yes that includes your family, warts and all.
2. It helps to# LIMIT EXPOSURE which means to stay only as long as you can reasonably stay without feeling like you are going to Lose it or have to drink your way though. Note:  Drinking “to get through” will lesson your ability to apply any of these suggestions.
3. DON’T ENGAGE or try to defend yourself when the “know it all” or the #“ guilt dispenser” begins to start.  Give short answers and try to change the subject.  If that doesn’t work, excuse yourself and go into another room.
4. It also helps to TAKE SHORT BREAKS.  For e.g. you can offer to go to the store for ice. Or go into an unoccupied room for a few minutes. Another option would be to go and play with the children.
5. DON’T GET TRIANGULATED.  One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional families is to triangulate others in communication.  #Triangulation is when someone wants to vent to you about an issue they are having with another person.  Or they ask you to talk to another relative on their behalf.

Healthy communication occurs when party A talks directly to party B about an issue without getting party C involved.  So, if this happens, you can say something like, “ I can see this is bothering you but I think it might be more productive for you to talk to party A than me”.  They may come back with something like “well they won’t listen or I have tried”. You can empathize with them but still not get triangulated.  It is a difficult pattern to break

6. Decide ahead of time what will be your #BOUNDARIES.   E.G.  We will leave if everyone gets drunk and fighting breaks out.   Or,” it is not ok for my relatives to continue to put me down so I will not listen to it”.  Again, if this has been a longstanding pattern it may take you awhile to break.  But the next point is a helpful strategy

7. Use the# SET method, also know as the Oreo cookie.  You say your truth in between two positive statements. The S stands for sympathy and the E for empathy.  So it goes something like this:

“I know that you worry about me and you want the best for me but the truth is I don’t like it when you make comments about my weight.

8. ”Be STRATEGIC about where you sit.  If at all possible, sit next to a person you feel safe and comfortable with

9 .BE A THERMOSTAT (set the atmosphere) vs a thermometer (reflecting the atmosphere) by being   as courteous and pleasant as you can be and trying to bring laughter and fun into the room.

10. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO HAVE, rather than what you don’t.  You have a place to be on the holidays with people you love and who love you ( even though they may have odd ways of showing it!)

These are strange times.   Words like “surreal” and “crazy” are used to describe the current state of things in our world today.   First, we are dealing with the worldwide COVID pandemic and subsequent sheltering at home.  Our work and school routines have been disrupted. And much of what we hear on the news does more to cause fear than comfort us.   Many of us feel our freedoms have been eroded when we are told we can’t go to the beach or the park or church without masking and physically distancing.  # Social distancing has led to social isolation and in some cases social policing.  Is that person wearing a mask?   Could they be a carrier of COVID? Are they really having a gathering of more than 10 at their home? I sure see a lot of cars parked there!

The horrific scene of seeing George Floyd being so brutally murdered will forever be seared into our memories.  As a result, racism has once again emerged to the conscious awareness of many.  And rightfully so. I know many caring and socially conscious citizens who have used this experience to look within to see if they have any racism lurking there.  But others have gone to the other extreme and we are now seeing peaceful protests devolve into riots and looting.

 Police brutality is also being scrutinized.  As it should.  Those few bad apples have “spoiled the barrel”.  But again, is it not going too far to suggest that we ban whole police departments?  For many the world does not feel safe anymore.   It is a #new normal that we hope won’t linger.   But what if it does?

People have developed some very creative ways to adapt to what we thought would be a temporary situation.  Families have honored birthdays and graduations with drive by celebrations, schools have scrambled to institute virtual learning, business are holding Zoom meetings and medical practitioners are using Telehealth sessions to treat patients.       

But we are getting weary of being isolated and kept away from our elderly parents, grandchildren, friends and favorite restaurants.  Most of us want a return to “normal”.  I fear that what we considered normal may never return.  For example, even though it has been many years ago since a shoe was used to explode a bomb, we still have to take our shoes off at the airport during screening!

So just how do we #navigate the new normal? 

1. First, we must GRIEVE.  We are grieving our usual way of doing life, our jobs, our health, our safety, trips we had planned, our businesses and our freedom.  Two weeks ago we spent a weekend away from home where we didn’t have to socially distance, or wear masks.  We just wanted a slice of normal.  We found a place where we were able to enjoy our immediate family and be in nature.  On Saturday night we had a wonderful 50^th wedding anniversary celebration.  That night as we were laying in our bed reflecting on the great day, our grandson knocked on our bedroom door to ask if we knew that there was rioting going on in our hometown.  When we looked at his phone we saw, to our horror, a video of that both my husband’s and my bank burning to the ground.  First we experienced shock and then anger and then more loss. 
2. Secondly, we need to feel safe and GROUNDED. What can we cling onto that hasn’t changed and that helps us feel secure?  For some it is their family.  For others it is their home or their savings account.  For me personally, it is my faith in an unchangeable, faithful and good God.  You may ask ” how can you say what is happening is good.?”  I am not saying that what is happening is good, I am saying my God is good.  He is not the one who caused the pandemic, or killed #George Floyd, or led people to destroy property.  He, too, is saddened and angry at what is happening in the world.  And sometimes I wonder if He doesn’t regret giving us free will because we have often used it in such self- destructive ways!  Do you remember the song, “He’s got the whole world in His hands”? As I think about this song, I envision God holding the world globe in His hands.  He has not forgotten us.  He is the only one who can bring #Peace out of chaos.  I don’t pretend to know why He doesn’t intervene now but I know He hasn’t abandoned us.  Actually, I believe He has intervened by slowing down the spread of the #Corona virus in answer to world wide prayer.  Some of you may not know this, but for every morning and evening for the past 4 months at 7:14 am  and 7:14pm , there have been millions of people throughout the world praying for our nations through a movement called #www.UNITE714 ( which refers to 2 Chron. 7:14 which says “if my people will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sins and will heal their land.”)

• We need to GATHER a support system.  We are meant for community.  We can create community by reaching out to our family and friends by social media, phone, email or text.  Doing this is especially important for extroverts who seem to have a more difficult time being alone.  The new normal for true introverts already feels somewhat normal. In fact, my daughter’s friend jokingly said. “Social distancing? Ha! my husband has been doing that for years!”

• And finally, we need to be GRACIOUS to ourselves and others.  It is normal for us to have bad days.  Hopefully we will try not to take it out on others and give grace to others who are also stressed out.  In my experience, sooner or later we will probably “hit the wall”.  By that I mean “lose it” over something that seems insignificant, like not being able to get our phone to work or our Amazon delivery doesn’t come when it was supposed to. You see, there is already such a pervasive sense of being #out of control , that when something you feel we should be able to control doesn’t work it brings up a lot of pent up frustration.

I hope and pray that our world does heal and we can once again feel safe and free.  However, it may not happen anytime soon. It is my hope that this blog will #encourage you as you continue to navigate a “new normal”!

I just saw the movie Wind River yesterday.  It is a movie that takes place on the Wind River Indian Reservation in Wyoming.  The movie chronicles the efforts made to determine what happened leading up to the death of a young American Indian woman found dead in the snowy plains of the reservation.  During the search,  Cory, an employee of the Fish and Game department, uses his animal tracking expertise to try to “track” down the killer.  During his search he interviews the victim’s brother who is struggling not only with the death of his sister, but also with the harsh realities of living with oppressive weather and isolation.  He is asking Cory why he should even go on, to which Cory replies, “You have to fight to survive, otherwise( if )you surrender( you will die).

This poignant response really stuck with me!   There are so many instances of people in captivity who fought with everything they had to stay alive rather than surrender to the abuse of their captors.  I have several friends who are currently battling cancer and are fighting to survive and not surrender its  ravages.

But I must admit that irony is not lost on me that in many cases, it is through surrender that we survive!   In Luke 9 Jesus say”whoever desires to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it,” What does that possibly mean?  It is surrendering our agenda for His. For those of us who are Christ followers it is when we surrender to the Lordship, care and compassion of Jesus Christ as Savior that we are able to survive the hardships of this life.  We let Him lead rather than trying to do everything on our own.  When we give  in to our fears we become victims of our fear.  However when we surrender/exchange our fears for his courage we survive.

The world is a very scary place right now : North Korea is testing nuclear weapons, Hurricane Harvey is wreaking havoc on Texas, and the recent civil unrest that took place in Charlottesville, just to name a few. It is unsettling to say the least.  We want to survive but we don’t want to surrender to our “enemies ” or to our base emotions of anger and fear.  But if we, in our own strength, try to fight the evil of the world we become discouraged and defeated.  In John 16:33 Jesus says, In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” .  It is comforting to know that the one who created it all didn’t  just abandon us and leave us on our own to figure things out!  Rather God is ENCOURAGING us to ” call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know”   (Jeremiah 33:3)  So  when we Surrender our way, for His way, we Survive, not only in this life but into eternity. 

 

 

Tomorrow would be my father’s 99th birthday if he were alive (he died 15 years ago).  But his legacy lives on.  You see my father was great at encouraging others.  At his funeral, people talked about what a great “Encourager”  he was.   So what exactly is  encouragement?  It comes from the French word “encorgier” which means make strong, hearten.  It means to give a person courage or confidence.

Practically speaking, it means to look for the good in someone and compliment or appreciate it.  There is a sticker for children that says “catch them being good”.   All to often we focus on the faults and shortcomings of others.  Thank the overwrought clerk for helping you.  Comment on how well she handled that irate customer that was inline in front of you.  Tell your children how much you love them .  Look for  their strengths and talents and help them develop them.    Tell your friends how much their friendship means to you.  Even if that aunt drives you up the wall, you can always appreciate something about her like the beautiful scarf she is wearing.  But the important thing  to  remember about being an encourager is that you  are also a  ‘truth teller”.  In other words, be sincere and honest.  For e.g. don’t compliment unless it is truly what you feel or like.

These are just a few suggestions as to how to be an “encourager”.  For more ideas try  www.wikihow.com/encourage-people.

 

I am excited to share topics that will encourage you as we navigate through the myriad of situations that we find ourselves in.  I want to share topics such as: ” How to know if you are “Burning out”; “Dealing with Re-entry Blues”, “Why triangles in relationships just don’t work”,  and  Parenting Prodigals to name a few of the topics. Much of the material will be from my observations and experience as a therapist / mother/wife/ daughter, sister,  and Christ-follower. My hope is that this blog will  Encourage YOU!!